“Here you leave today and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow, and fantasy.”

When I visited Hong Kong Disneyland in April 2010, I had two reasons. One was to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary. The other reason was to escape the inevitable even for a day. My mom was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer after 8 years of being cancer-free. I learned that no one dies from breast cancer that remains in the breast. Metastasis occurs when cancerous cells travel to a vital organ and that is what threatens life. In her case, it was her liver. She died in July. That was when my years of battle with depression began..

"Of all the people, why her?"

I want an explanation.
I need an explanation.
And I know that if I ever get an explanation, I'll never accept it.

Somehow it made me feel good being depressed. It was more appealing. You see, I have the tendency to romanticize. 

During my mom's wake, people were as insensitive as you can imagine. There I was grieving and people keep telling me..

"Kawawa naman mommy mo, di man lang nakaranas magkaapo."
"Ang hilig ng mommy mo sa bata, di mo man lang binigyan ng apo."
"Ano ba problema mo, bakit wala kang anak?"

and so on..

(Oh wait, I have to pause typing. My vision's getting blurred.)

Yeah, I've been trying to conceive for years. And I'm not exaggerating when I say we've already spent seven digits!

And my battle for depression continued.

It was so bad. I was having palpitations. I can't sleep. My doctor even prescribed me to take valium. The medicines raging my hormones were also making things worse.  There were times (a lot of times) I contemplated killing myself. One reason that always stopped me from doing it -- my dad. He'll be devastated and I can't do that to him.

Then I woke up one day and decided I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to be happy again. I need to do something I love. That day, Snapped and Scribbled was born. I began socializing.  I  noticed when I removed the negative people around me, more wonderful people are being sent my way to take their place. Positive people I can talk/chat with sharing inspiring stories. I am also  blessed to have a very patient, loving and supportive husband. He suffered a lot because of my mood swings. I was lucky he endured all of that.

Now I'm happy. I still have my drama moments. But I make sure I'm always feeding the right wolf.

"What if there was a place, a secret place, where nothing was impossible? 
A miraculous place where you could actually change the world. 
You want to go?"

There is a place and it's not a secret place.
It's right here. 
At home. In front of your laptop. At the park. At the bus.
Wherever you are.
You can actually change the world.
But you must start with changing yourself.


  1. Im so sorry for your loss. But you know in everything God has a reason. And He has greater plans. I hope and I pray that one day that baby youve been praying and asking from Him will be given. And I do believe that wherever your mom is right now, she is so proud of you, because you managed and chose to look at the bright side. Cyber hug and sending my positve vibes to you!
    - ivy

    1. Thanks for your kind words. You are right, God's plan is way better than mine. But I'm still hoping that He'll answer my prayer.

  2. being open to change is the best way to get where you want to

    1. Sometimes it's easier to resist change. But you are right we need to embrace change in order for us to grow.

  3. So sorry for your loss. Pray and keep praying... You get strength through prayers

  4. So sorry for your loss po. Just want to share this beautiful line I read while reading a Colleen Hoover book it says "The Pain will always be there. So will the fear. But the pain and fear are no longer my life. They're only moments." let's look on the positive side of it po, At least your Mom will never experience the pain and suffering anymore, and I'm sure your Mom wouldn't want you to undergo pain as well. You're so strong po because you're able to surpass the challenges in life, and there'll be more trials just keep being strong. :)

    1. I copied the lines you share. Ang ganda. :) Thank you.

  5. I am saddened with your loss but everything has its reason. It is painful but I know you have the courage.

    1. It has been five years. It's still painful. I think the pain will never go away. I will just learn to manage to live with it. Losing a mom is like losing a part of me.

  6. Life is a continuous processes of your likes & dislikes, ups & downs and everything about your life.

  7. I'm sorry for your loss.. I'm glad you have found your way out of depression.

  8. Im sorry for your loss. God has better plans, trust His will.

  9. You are a strong woman and through your strength and your blog, you'll be able to inspire more people to be stronger too.


Thanks for sharing your thoughts :)