Happy Place No More


"I tell stories for very good reasons, she said, 
but I'm not going to tell you what they are 
or you'd start reading too much into them."

You are my happy place.
You are in my happy place.

In the past years, I've been a prisoner of our happy place. I frequent it a lot. I bet you don't. I've got a feeling you don't even think about me anymore. But you cross my mind at least once a day. Everyday. There are times when I wonder -- what if? But it's too messy and complicated. It started with a web of lies. It will never work out.

"Anybody can make up past lives, she said. 
The real trick is to make up future lives 
& not forget you did it."

It was better to leave it like that. A fantasy life for me. A reality for you (or so you thought).

And I was being unfair the whole time.

"I'm at that point in the day where I'm tired of myself, she said, 
so if you don't mind, 
I'm going to be someone else until bedtime 
& we had a lovely time together, 
my new friend & I"

You were the welcome break from my monotonous eight to five kind of day. An unexpected diversion from a painfully uneventful existence. 

"In that moment, our eyes met & I remember thinking 
This is what it is like to be struck by lightning, 
knowing I would never be untouched by him again."

I was very specific from the beginning. I only offer and accept friendship. I'm forbidden to give and I refuse to accept anything more than that. One truth among the lies.

They saw us standing there pretending to be just friends, 
when all the time in the world could not pry us apart.

We do not deserve to be accused of pretending to be just friends. What we are guilty of was convincing ourselves we are just friends. We both know and feel there is something else. We just don't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. 

But you did one night.

"Let's fall in love, he said & she said OK & he blinked. 
I didn't think it'd be that easy, he said & she patted his hand. 
Love is not the hard part, she said. 
The hard part is trying not to freak out about what you've just done."

I did not say OK. I was silent. And you said that was just a joke. And we both know you are lying. 

"I have too much to lose, she said, if I cross that line. 
Like what? He said. 
She could not think of anything that day so she said she'd get back to him. 
Since then I've been thinking what I would lose if I cross my line 
& I haven't come up with anything either. 
There's always another line somewhere."

We can't. I don't want to. And I must not. And I thought you understand. And I thought I made it clear. And you said you understand. But there are things that must be said. Or you'll regret not asking and not knowing.

"I'm tired of hiding, she said & he smiled. 
That's good, he said, 
because I'm tired of pretending it doesn't hurt."

Then I must leave. Because I care for you and I don't want to cause you pain. And you told me, you'd rather hurt as long as I'm in your life. And I said, either way, you'd get hurt.

torn between wanting to stay & wanting to go 
& worried it will be the wrong decision either way

Leaving is the right decision. I know. And I did. Slowly. But I always come back. And you always welcome me. I hate you and I love you for that. And then I leave again. Because I have to. Because that is the right thing to do. 

"We're here to end it, I said & he said, 
No, we're here to begin it 
& then she turned away."

And finally I was able to turn my back completely. Or so I thought. Because whenever I'm sad, I go to my happy place. A place in my heart where I kept the happy moments we spent together. I'm a prisoner of our memories.

You were my happy place.
You were in my happy place.

"Today is a day when I look out over my life & I see you're not there 

& I know there is more reason to this world than I will ever understand."

I was thinking about you and was wondering how the world is turning at your end. I searched for you. And saw you and your life. And a painful truth was revealed. You are so different from someone I used to know. I did not feel any fondness when I saw you. And just like that, we are strangers.

"I think you love people until you get to understand them, she said 
& I said, what happens then? 
& she said, oh, that's when you move away."

credit goes to Story People for the quotes