She didn't leave you for making too many mistakes.
She left because you made the same mistake
too many times.
quotes
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She didn't leave you for making too many mistakes.
She left because you made the same mistake
too many times.
Here are a few lines from the first chapters:
"Every morning, when I open my eyes to the so-called "new day", I feel like closing them again, staying in bed, and not getting up. But I can't do that."
"..but I just can't sleep anymore. When night comes and no one is watching, I feel afraid of everything: life, death, love or the lack of it; the fact that all novelties quickly become habits; the feeling that I'm wasting the best years of my life in a pattern that will be repeated over and over until I die."
"And then suddenly, for no reason, I get into the shower and burst into tears. I can cry there because no one can hear my sobs or ask me the question I hate most: Are you alright?"
"Is there anything wrong with my life? No, nothing. Only the nights that filled me with dread. The days I can't get excited about. The happy images from the past and the things that could have been but weren't. The desire for adventure never fulfilled."
"Then they say: "I've had enough, I don't want this anymore. " Some commit suicide. Others get divorced. Some go to poor parts of Africa to try to save the world." (and me.. trying to help save dying babies to have some sort of a purpose)
"Then I realize that words like "optimism" and "hope", which appear in all those self-help books that they claim they'll make us more confident and better able to cope with life, are just that: words."
"(Depression) It's like being inside a trap. You know you're caught, but you can't escape.."
"Not everyone needs to feel happy all the time. Besides, no one can be happy all the time. I need to deal with the reality of life."
I could go on and on but I might end up rewriting the book. Go get a copy. Promise, it's a good read.
And my favorite...
"Going after a dream has a price.
It may mean abandoning our habits,
it may make us go through hardships,
or it may lead us to disappointment.
But however costly it may be,
it is never as high as the price paid by people who didn't live.
Because one day they will look back
and hear their own heart say:
I wasted my life."
Loving you doesn't give me license for rudeness.
If I can't be generous and supportive, I'll at least try not to stand in your way.
Loving you means wanting you to grow.
I won't put my problems onto you. You have enough problems, I'm certain, and you don't need mine. My love should simplify your life, not complicate it.
I don't always have to be right. I can accept the fact that you are right as often as I am. Loving is sharing with each other. If I already know I'm right, I'll never profit from your insight.
I don't always have to be running the show. Loving is an ebb and flow. Sometimes I'll need to give in. At other times I'll need to take control.
I don't have to be perfect, nor do you. Love is a celebration of our humanness, not our perfection.
I can give up wanting to change you. If I want you in my life, the best thing for both of us is for me to accept you as you are. After all, love is moving forward together in mutual growth.
I don't need to place blame. Since I'm an adult who makes decisions based upon personal experience, there is no one to blame for a poor decision except myself. Love puts the responsibility where it belongs.
I can give up expectations. To wish is one thing, to expect is another. One brings hope, the other can bring pain. Love is free of expectations.
(On Love - Leo Buscaglia's Bus 9 to Paradise)
"I tell stories for very good reasons, she said,
but I'm not going to tell you what they are
or you'd start reading too much into them."
You are my happy place.
You are in my happy place.
In the past years, I've been a prisoner of our happy place. I frequent it a lot. I bet you don't. I've got a feeling you don't even think about me anymore. But you cross my mind at least once a day. Everyday. There are times when I wonder -- what if? But it's too messy and complicated. It started with a web of lies. It will never work out.
"Anybody can make up past lives, she said.
The real trick is to make up future lives
& not forget you did it."
It was better to leave it like that. A fantasy life for me. A reality for you (or so you thought).
And I was being unfair the whole time.
"I'm at that point in the day where I'm tired of myself, she said,
so if you don't mind,
I'm going to be someone else until bedtime
& we had a lovely time together,
my new friend & I"
You were the welcome break from my monotonous eight to five kind of day. An unexpected diversion from a painfully uneventful existence.
"In that moment, our eyes met & I remember thinking
This is what it is like to be struck by lightning,
knowing I would never be untouched by him again."
I was very specific from the beginning. I only offer and accept friendship. I'm forbidden to give and I refuse to accept anything more than that. One truth among the lies.
They saw us standing there pretending to be just friends,
when all the time in the world could not pry us apart.
We do not deserve to be accused of pretending to be just friends. What we are guilty of was convincing ourselves we are just friends. We both know and feel there is something else. We just don't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it.
But you did one night.
"Let's fall in love, he said & she said OK & he blinked.
I didn't think it'd be that easy, he said & she patted his hand.
Love is not the hard part, she said.
The hard part is trying not to freak out about what you've just done."
I did not say OK. I was silent. And you said that was just a joke. And we both know you are lying.
"I have too much to lose, she said, if I cross that line.
Like what? He said.
She could not think of anything that day so she said she'd get back to him.
Since then I've been thinking what I would lose if I cross my line
& I haven't come up with anything either.
There's always another line somewhere."
We can't. I don't want to. And I must not. And I thought you understand. And I thought I made it clear. And you said you understand. But there are things that must be said. Or you'll regret not asking and not knowing.
"I'm tired of hiding, she said & he smiled.
That's good, he said,
because I'm tired of pretending it doesn't hurt."
Then I must leave. Because I care for you and I don't want to cause you pain. And you told me, you'd rather hurt as long as I'm in your life. And I said, either way, you'd get hurt.
torn between wanting to stay & wanting to go
& worried it will be the wrong decision either way
Leaving is the right decision. I know. And I did. Slowly. But I always come back. And you always welcome me. I hate you and I love you for that. And then I leave again. Because I have to. Because that is the right thing to do.
"We're here to end it, I said & he said,
No, we're here to begin it
& then she turned away."
And finally I was able to turn my back completely. Or so I thought. Because whenever I'm sad, I go to my happy place. A place in my heart where I kept the happy moments we spent together. I'm a prisoner of our memories.
You were my happy place.
You were in my happy place.
"Today is a day when I look out over my life & I see you're not there
& I know there is more reason to this world than I will ever understand."
I was thinking about you and was wondering how the world is turning at your end. I searched for you. And saw you and your life. And a painful truth was revealed. You are so different from someone I used to know. I did not feel any fondness when I saw you. And just like that, we are strangers.
"I think you love people until you get to understand them, she said
& I said, what happens then?
& she said, oh, that's when you move away."
====
credit goes to Story People for the quotes
Still I ain't seen mine, no I ain't seen mine...
===
Just out of the blue, I was reminded of a million investment with no ROI.
The price I paid to know the answer.
NO.
I should have splurged in Italy instead.
===
And life goes on...
personal ·
quotes ·
RoselleWrites
Stephen Chbosky: The Perks of Being A Wallflower
Monday, October 22
The Perks of Being a Wallflower is written by Stephen Chbosky. He also directed the film. It is about a boy who is in a confused stage of adolescence. Charlie, an ordinary introvert high school freshman, narrates the story by writing letters to an anonymous person.
I enjoyed reading the book I was able to finish it overnight. Too bad I wasn't able to watch the film. I'm still waiting for the dvd release.
Here are some of my favorite lines:
I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.
So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I am still trying to figure out how could that be.
...As much as I feel sad, I think that not knowing is what really bothers me.
I wish I knew. It might make me miss him more clearly. It might have made sad sense.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
I do believe in God very much. I just never gave God a name, if you know what I mean. I hope I haven't let Him down regardless.
Not everyone has a sob story, and even if they do, it's no excuse.
(Craig) doesn't really listen to her when she talks. I don't mean that he's a bad guy because he is not. It's just that he always looks distracted. It's like he would take a photograph of (Sam) and the photograph would be beautiful. And he would think that the reason the photograph was beautiful was because of how he took it. If I took it, I would know that the only reason it's beautiful is because of (Sam).
I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think.
...things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody.
People who try to control situations all the time are afraid that if they don't, nothing will work out the way they want.
I would die for you. But I won't live for you.
It's sweet and everything, but it's like you're not even there sometimes. It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder? What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.
If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don't like, I'll tell them.
We are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.
I think that if ever I have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.
As we went into the tunnel, I didn't hold up my arms like I was flying. I just let the wind rush over my face. And I started crying and smiling at the same time...
...but mostly, I was crying because I was suddenly very aware of the fact that it was me standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face. Not caring if I saw downtown. Not even thinking about it. Because I was standing in the tunnel. And I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite.
Please believe that things are good with me, and even if they're not, they will be soon enough. And I will believe the same about you.
before reacting ask yourself,
"Is what I am about to say motivated by my need to be right,
or my desire to be kind?"
Then pick a response that stems from kindness, regardless of how your ego objects.
-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
personal ·
poetry ·
quotes ·
RoselleWrites ·
thoughts
Yesterday I Cried. I Did.
Saturday, January 14
for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished,
only to give them away to people in circumstances,
which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.
I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left for me to do is cry.
Then the tears washed away obscure ideas, some bitterness, the feeling of mediocrity and being useless, frustrations and unmet expectations. My goals once again became clear. My thoughts more rational. My emotions stable. I have regained my feeling of self-worth. I am now more focused on what I want to achieve, how I want to achieve them. I no longer complain that I do not have enough time. I know all I have to do is give time.
The book Yesterday, I Cried is a gift from a dear friend who I finally gave time to meet up after 6 years of rescheduling. I told her that I could not progress with the book. I'm somehow stuck with the poem. Because every time I read the poem, I just want to savor all the unpleasant experiences in my life.
This morning as I was writing this entry, I opened the book once again. Turned to the last page of the book where she wrote a dedication:
Dear Roselle,
Just another tool for your life's journey.
This book clearly celebrates the many reasons
for living and loving joyfully -- but first, healing.
Best,
Anne
7.Apr.11
Now I understand why I am not making any progress with this book and with my life. I am so consumed with hatred and pain. Somehow dwelling on them gives me a masochistic satisfaction. I am so entertained by the idea that I have some drama in life.
I must move on.
I must grow up.
But first, I need to heal.
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