Roselle Writes At PSST.Ph

Roselle Writes At PSST.Ph

Monday, March 28

I never thought that a job posting on facebook will change my outlook for 2016. I started the year feeling depressed. The inevitable truth that I'm turning 40 and the lack of significant achievement made me restless. I almost considered giving the corporate world another try just to prove to myself that I still can compete in the rat race.

When Kathy posted on a blogger group that she needs writers, I was a bit hesitant to submit sample articles. Me? Writer? Nahiya naman ako. But a few days before I saw the job post, I prayed to God that He direct me to the right path. With hesitation, I e-mailed Kathy.  

When opportunity knocks, don't let fear hold you back. Open the door and embrace the opportunity that has come forth.

One of the articles I published on PSST.Ph is A Letter To My Almost Lover. I wrote this years ago and was lodged on draft. I was so delighted when it got 79 facebook shares.

Excerpt:

In the past years, I’ve been a prisoner of our happy place. I frequent it a lot. I bet you don’t. I’ve got a feeling you don’t even think about me anymore. But you cross my mind at least once a day. Everyday. There are times when I wonder — what if? But it’s too messy and complicated. Ours is something that started with a web of lies. It will never work out. 

Read more: http://www.psst.ph/my-happy-place-no-more/

An article about an advocacy close to my heart, Biliary Atresia: Stories of Filipino Families Racing Against Time To Raise Funds got 293 facebook shares and 4,139 views.

Read more: http://www.psst.ph/biliaryatresia/

I must be doing something right! I have never been happier. I love the team at PSST.Ph. It feels like belonging to a family. Everybody is encouraging and supportive. I'm also proud of the team's achievement in the past two months.

We don't just write. We write sensible articles. No gossips. No misleading titles. We believe that the intelligent people who are into the new media deserve articles that are worth reading. We also encourage you to be #partofthestory. Interact with us through the comment section of each article.

Visit us at http://www.psst.ph/

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Choices: Deliver or Make Excuses

Choices: Deliver or Make Excuses

Friday, March 4

Blogging has exposed me to different kind of people. While I have met sincere people who eventually became my friends, there are those who reveal their true colors as time passes by. I have learned to keep reminding myself that some people were just raised differently.

"To give real service, 

you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, 

and that is sincerity and integrity." Douglas Adams

A lot of people owe me -- in cash and in kind. Some have the decency to acknowledge and others simply ignore. I admire the honesty of the few. Those who tell the truth instead of making up excuses. You'd be surprised by the fanciness beyond belief of the excuses crafted by some. And the lies they weave just to save their asses. Who doesn't hate liars?! I'd rather you tell me why you can't than tell me bullshit. I value honesty. Recent experience with someone who I thought knows how to conduct business in a professional manner turned out to be a one big disappointment. And though I know I'm capable of running after this person to a point where this person will regret treating me this way, I chose the high road. I've got more sensible things to do than waste my time on a sloth.

integrity. the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; 

moral uprightness and sincerity.

I'm not the type who uses my facebook status to publicly shame someone. I simply write them off my life. After all, who needs a person who says one thing yet does another that destroys trust? Keeping promises affects your integrity. Lies are exposed. 

Some people wonder why there are still in deep shit. May be it's about time you assess yourself. Real success is not achieve by cutting corners. You've got to work hard. Work fair. 

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Love Has Ended Before It Began

Love Has Ended Before It Began

Monday, February 29

This will be the last time you are gonna hear from me. I'm not sure if I'll make sense at all. I prefer to leave without saying goodbye but I don't want to be deprived of the opportunity to pour out my thoughts and innermost feelings. And so I opted to write you a letter.

I want you to remember that I will always be grateful for your friendship. Your companionship has helped me make it through the most confusing times of my life. You just don't know how much I looked forward to spending time with you back then. Because being with you made me appreciate the simple things that life could offer.

Thank you for trusting me. I'm too cautious and yet you took me in without questions. Thank you for lending an ear to my unending complaints with how my so-called life sucks. And for never failing to turn my mood around.

Thank you for the tender moments that made me almost fall in love with you. A stupid feeling which I tried so hard to suppress worrying that your knowledge of it will scare you away. You know I could not afford to risk the friendship. And I'm sane enough to know that the gap between us is just to wide to fill.

I must throw away every memory or I'll be forever bonded with what has been. I must erase the path that leads me to someone I shouldn't even dream to be with in the first place. It is really foolish of me to make myself believe that your kindness translates to something romantic. It is crazier to keep on hoping that we could be together.

Things are somehow getting better at my end.

I wish you well.

*first published in Tabulas 07 Sept 2006

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Why The Best In Costume Award Means A Lot

Why The Best In Costume Award Means A Lot

Sunday, February 21

Wearing a costume has been in my bucketlist for the longest time. For years I have waited for the perfect moment to do it. And on my 39th year on earth I was able to walk proudly from the car park to the venue donning a dark angel costume.

This was during the Glamour Monzters Zumba Fitness Party held last November at Tiendesitas hosted by The Philippine Twiinz Alec and Manny. But this article is not about that.

This is about my dream of becoming a volleyball player (or at least learn how to play volleyball). I had a semester of volleyball class in the university but sadly wasn't able to experience playing a real game. I remember feeling excited when I found out that I'll be having volleyball for PE in UST. When I was in grade 4, I convinced my dad to buy me a Mikasa volleyball. I brought it to school hoping I'd learn to play. But I ended up sitting on the bleachers watching my classmates play using my ball. They know how to play. I have a ball. Go figure. Fast forward to college, I discovered PE is not really taken seriously. I think I earned a 2.25 grade in volleyball without really learning how to play. Well at least I can say I deserved all my 1.25 grades in my law subjects. Ergo, I'm not the athletic type.

When my dear friends Alec and Manny (Oh, I really feel super proud typing the word friends hihi!) invited me to the Business Mirror Health & Fitness Z Party (read more about it HERE) and I found out it's a sports themed zumba party, I was ecstatic. I knew right away what to wear. I'll be a dancing volleyball player! Oh wow! Perfect marriage of two things I am not good at! Haha!! I've got my favorite UST shirt, black skimpy shorts, knee high socks (I loved this fashion statement when DLSU first wore knee high socks at the Shakeys V-League during the time of Manila Santos... yeah, many years ago!). 

Business Mirror Health & Fitness awarded me Best in Costume. And like Pia Wurtzbach was deprived of her victory walk, I wasn't able to receive my certificate on the stage in front of the 250 enthusiasts standing as witnesses. I had to leave before the awarding because my left contact lens got so dry it popped out. And I was not really expecting to win. I was there to have fun while getting fit. And di talaga ako masyadong prepared. Hahaha!!! On the brighter side, I had a solo moment with Zin Alec and Zin Manny at Gold's Gym Marikina yesterday for the awarding ceremony :)

There are dreams I have growing up. Some were achieved, some are still achievable and some are worth not pursuing but were replaced by other dreams. I will never be a volleyball player but I discovered I can do a little tennis. And if dressing up for two hours opened up the opportunity for me to become a volleyball player, then why not?!

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Lazy Monday After Valentine's Day

Lazy Monday After Valentine's Day

Monday, February 15

Dozed off at 3am and I knew I'd be totally feeling lazy this Monday morning. Yesterday, I spent the first half of Valentine's Day cleaning the house. Then slept for 3 hours late in the afternoon. That's the reason I was wide awake last night.

How did you spend your Valentine's day? Me and hubby never go on a date on this day because we both hate the traffic and overly crowded restaurants. I'm also not the bouquet of roses type of girl. I'd be happy if you give me something edible or useful.

We had KFC for dinner. They had a free delivery Valentine's Day promo. Since I saved forty pesos for the delivery fee, I bought an extra large gravy. That's the downside of not dining at the restaurant. You won't be able to indulge on the bottomless KFC gravy. Oh I remember how sad I was when I went to a KFC restaurant in Singapore. They do not have gravy. That made me realized life will be a struggle if I choose to live there.

I've seen too many marriage proposals yesterday on my facebook timeline. One couple set the record to be the first to have a marriage proposal at the newly-opened Venice Grand Canal in McKinley.  And then there's also an allegedly suicide around 7pm in Megamall. The girl they said ran towards the railing and jumped off from the 4th floor. Probably the universe's way of balancing love and grief.

I resolve to write regularly on this blog. Best day to start a resolution I think. Monday. And I'm feeling super lazy. Nice combination. Monday + Lazy = Bound To Fail. So this will be a great challenge for me.

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What Do You Fear?

What Do You Fear?

Sunday, January 3

This hedgehog is my cousin's pet. Nobody dared touch him all those months we've been having reunion meetings because we fear of getting pricked by his spines. Last night was our final meeting for the grand reunion of our clan and finally the hedgehog was taken out of his house.

The kids played with him. Still I didn't attempt to touch him.

We all have fears. It's normal. What isn't normal is when we let our fears hinder us from what we are supposed to do.

Don't let your fear of what could happen make nothing happen.

I always remind myself of what my former boss told me. He challenged me to do at least one thing every month that scares me. He said I'd be surprised that what I fear is all in the mind.

What do you fear?

If you ask me, I fear failure. 

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Sweet Success

Sweet Success

Saturday, January 2

Sweet Success.

Maja is a dessert that somehow reminds me of my mom. Why? Because I can't remember if she was able to perfectly cooked this in her lifetime. As for me, I never attempted. This is one of my favorite desserts because it is not too sweet and I love anything with corn.

I was given a maja "ready mix". Honestly, I fear using those kind of products because most of the time, they taste fake. But I gave this one a try for three reasons. First, I'd rather fail than never try. Second, help was given and I acknowledge I need help. And third, I love maja.

There are things in my life that I've been attempting to be successful at but fail. From the mundane to the magnificent. Though I know I'd get hurt trying and failing, I will still choose to try.

It is also very humbling to admit that sometimes we need help. Somehow I've improved on this aspect. I used to do everything on my own. I don't like group assignments. I don't like to delegate. Until I got burned out. It was when I finally admitted that I can't do it on my own all the time. I need help. 

We don't give up on what we love. No matter how we try to ignore, not a day passes by that we don't think of it. Just like the maja, whenever I see a photo or dine in a restaurant serving maja, memories of failed maja attempts and the urge to try and learn how to cook this haunt me.

“If it's still in your mind, it is still in your heart.” - Paulo Coelho

PS.

The maja I cooked was perfect.

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Today Is The Beginning Of Anything You Want

Today Is The Beginning Of Anything You Want

Friday, January 1

Today is the beginning of anything you want.

I know I could start any day. But there's something about January 1 that convinces me it makes more sense to venture into something new. Or continue what I've started.

2015 was better that 2014. Although I can't remember most of what happened in 2014. I just feel like 2015 was better. I've reached some goals I set. There are disappointments. Mostly on things I have no control of. Which makes it very frustrating. Because I can't do anything about it. 

For 2016, I want to do something life changing. Something daring. Something different. I want to challenge myself more. 

I want to be better than I was in all aspects. 

I want a life of "want to" and not "have to".

I want to be in charge.

After all, this is my LIFE.

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The Three People You Meet In Heaven

The Three People You Meet In Heaven

Thursday, October 1

“Life has to end. Love doesn't.”

I browsed my album to take a snap of this photo. Today is my cousin Rommel's birthday and I wanna post a ridiculously funny throwback photo of him. This is one of my favorite pictures. My intention was to make fun of us. He was yawning here and I was holding suman.

My mom made up a funny story here. She said my cousin was so hungry and was hoping I'll insert a whole suman in his mouth but I was too selfish to share.

And then I cried.

Really cried. I'm actually crying as I compose this.

Suddenly I realized it was only the two of us left. And once again I can't comprehend why they were not privileged to live longer. (and all my family members who had to go way too soon than everybody else.) 

I realized that our family has lost so much in the last five years. We were not allowed to fully grieve yet before someone is taken away again. Eight people in 5 five years! 

This will always be my favorite photo of us. You were yawning. I was holding suman. Unaware that they will be gone sooner than we wanted.

This photo makes me both happy and sad.

And thankful for still having those we get to spend time with.

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A Morbid Peter Pan Twist

A Morbid Peter Pan Twist

Tuesday, September 29

There may be a reason why no one grew up in Neverland.

Peter Pan was an Angel of Death that held kids hand when on their way to heaven (Neverland). That's why they never grew up. All those kids were dead.

(I just so this on Pinterest. And it made sense to me.)

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Tomorrowland: What If There Was A Place..

Tomorrowland: What If There Was A Place..

Thursday, June 4

When I visited Hong Kong Disneyland in April 2010, I had two reasons. One was to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary. The other reason was to escape the inevitable even for a day. My mom was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer after 8 years of being cancer-free. I learned that no one dies from breast cancer that remains in the breast. Metastasis occurs when cancerous cells travel to a vital organ and that is what threatens life. In her case, it was her liver. She died in July. That was when my years of battle with depression began..

"Of all the people, why her?"

I want an explanation.

I need an explanation.

And I know that if I ever get an explanation, I'll never accept it.

Somehow it made me feel good being depressed. It was more appealing. You see, I have the tendency to romanticize. 

During my mom's wake, people were as insensitive as you can imagine. There I was grieving and people keep telling me..

"Kawawa naman mommy mo, di man lang nakaranas magkaapo."

"Ang hilig ng mommy mo sa bata, di mo man lang binigyan ng apo."

"Ano ba problema mo, bakit wala kang anak?"

and so on..

(Oh wait, I have to pause typing. My vision's getting blurred.)

Yeah, I've been trying to conceive for years. And I'm not exaggerating when I say we've already spent seven digits!

And my battle for depression continued.

It was so bad. I was having palpitations. I can't sleep. My doctor even prescribed me to take valium. The medicines raging my hormones were also making things worse. There were times (a lot of times) I contemplated killing myself. One reason that always stopped me from doing it -- my dad. He'll be devastated and I can't do that to him.

Then I woke up one day and decided I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to be happy again. I need to do something I love. That day, Snapped and Scribbled was born. I began socializing. I noticed when I removed the negative people around me, more wonderful people are being sent my way to take their place. Positive people I can talk/chat with sharing inspiring stories. I am also blessed to have a very patient, loving and supportive husband. He suffered a lot because of my mood swings. I was lucky he endured all of that.

Now I'm happy. I still have my drama moments. But I make sure I'm always feeding the right wolf.

"What if there was a place, a secret place, where nothing was impossible? 

A miraculous place where you could actually change the world. 

You want to go?"

There is a place and it's not a secret place.

It's right here. 

At home. In front of your laptop. At the park. At the bus.

Wherever you are.

You can actually change the world.

But you must start with changing yourself.

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Prayer to St. Gerard for Motherhood

Prayer to St. Gerard for Motherhood

Monday, June 1

O good Saint Gerard, 

powerful intercessor before God 

and Wonderworker of our day, 

I call upon thee and seek thy aid. 

Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God’s designs, 

help me to do the holy Will of God. 

Beseech the Master of Life,

 from Whom all paternity proceedeth,

 to render me fruitful in offspring, 

that I may raise up children to God in this life 

and heirs to the Kingdom of His Glory in the world to come. 

Amen.

A dear friend of mine shared this prayer to St Gerard. She has been TTC for almost three years. A nun gave her a copy of the prayer last March and she got pregnant the same month. 

I have also chanced upon the website http://www.saintgerard.com/  Check it out and know more about St. Gerard. You can also email josephinespano@aol.com if you want to be added to her prayer list. I e-mailed her and received a response a few days after.

Let us be each other's prayer warriors. 

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My TTC Journey

My TTC Journey

I've been wanting to share my TTC journey. Part of me is debating against doing this. I'm torn between wanting the world to know that I'm not okay and just wanting to make it appear that I'm okay. This will be a series of flashbacks and recent struggles. Stories of hope and sometimes doubt. I'll be sharing my experiences and whatever I find on the web which might help us.

You are not alone in this journey.

We share the same frustrations.

We have the same drama.

And it's normal.

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Only God Knows Why

Only God Knows Why

Saturday, December 1

You get what you put in and people get what they deserve
Still I ain't seen mine, no I ain't seen mine...
===

Just out of the blue, I was reminded of a million investment with no ROI.
The price I paid to know the answer.

NO.

I should have splurged in Italy instead.

===

And life goes on...

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Yesterday I Cried. I Did.

Yesterday I Cried. I Did.

Saturday, January 14

for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished,
only to give them away to people in circumstances,
which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left for me to do is cry.

Then the tears washed away obscure ideas, some bitterness, the feeling of mediocrity and being useless, frustrations and unmet expectations. My goals once again became clear. My thoughts more rational. My emotions stable. I have regained my feeling of self-worth. I am now more focused on what I want to achieve, how I want to achieve them. I no longer complain that I do not have enough time. I know all I have to do is give time.

The book Yesterday, I Cried is a gift from a dear friend who I finally gave time to meet up after 6 years of rescheduling. I told her that I could not progress with the book. I'm somehow stuck with the poem. Because every time I read the poem, I just want to savor all the unpleasant experiences in my life.

This morning as I was writing this entry, I opened the book once again. Turned to the last page of the book where she wrote a dedication:

                  Dear Roselle,


                               Just another tool for your life's journey.
                        This book clearly celebrates the many reasons
                        for living and loving joyfully -- but first, healing.

                                                                                Best,
                                                                                   Anne
                                                                                  7.Apr.11

Now I understand why I am not making any progress with this book and with my life. I am so consumed with hatred and pain. Somehow dwelling on them gives me a masochistic satisfaction. I am so entertained by the idea that I have some drama in life.

I must move on.
I must grow up.
But first, I need to heal.

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Alone On The Road

Alone On The Road

Saturday, November 12

if you ever bump into my muse on your journey,
please oh please tell my muse to come back to me.
the drought is making me insane.

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Life As I See It

Life As I See It

Friday, September 2

it's either

FULL

or

EMPTY.

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